to remember

Spring always makes me reflect.

It make's me realize of all the beauty the winter hides and

 it makes me a little sad.

Two years ago today, I lost a tiny babe.

I had a miscarriage.

At the time we weren't married my dh & I.

We agreed to just have a baby.

We weren't prepared but knew we loved each other.

We knew that we would figure it out.

We started "not not trying to get pregnant" in Dec.

By February I was pregnant. 

I called my DH, and he was thrilled.

Naive us, we told the whole world.

We didn't know that heartache was to come.

Our families were so excited.

Our friends were so excited.

We were beyond excited.

Then It was over.

I was supposed to be 13 weeks, the babe passed at 8 weeks.

I had just celebrated my first Mother's day to be.

I wasn't showing, but I attributed that to it being my first pregnancy.

I woke up a lovely spring day.

I felt amazing, no morning sickness finally.

After all those sucky days it was awesome.

I saw a bit of pinkness at the bottom of my underwear.

then a little darker pink.

then it was red, I started to panic.

I called my dh, and he was worried.

We had sex the night before, could it be just that.?

Then I was a little blob. 

And I knew it was a miscarriage.

I didn't tell my dh i knew

I told him it had to be because of the sex, it was common.

Maybe I wanted to hold on to that and believe it.

In the emergency room, I kept on assuring him it was nothing.

He looked so worried.

Then we went in, after hours of an uncomfortable catheder and ultrasound.

It was confirmed, the baby had stopped growing inside me.

She said "I'm sorry" and I lost it.

No longer we're we going to be parents.

I t was so painful, both phisically and emotionally.

I was on the cold table, crying while still enduring the last of the u/s.

I couldn't look, I didn't look. 

All I saw was him, his eyes filled with tears and holding on to me.

I couldn't believe it, I was screaming.

They discharged me with instructions.

Everyone was so cold hearted, they probably see it all the time.

But I needed some empathy, some sympathy or a little bit of compassion.

I don't know how I made my way back to the car.

We got in and drove home, both in tears.

We finally got home, and I ran to Lola.

Clinging to her smile, and hugging her as she licked my tears away.

She knew.

I sat out on our little deck, watching the sun go down.

While tears streamed down my face.

He was sitting next to me, trying to say something, anything to make it hurt less.

It didn't work.

He put my needs in front of his as he has always done.

He allowed me to grieve.

We had to tell everyone.

Relive it time after time.

The pain from that miscarriage will stay with me forever.

I look at Lucas and see that he is here because another babe didn't make it

I'm thankful for him 

That he is here, healthy and happy.


Women of loss are changed forever.

the story of LOLA...

In this blog i hope to cover all the things I love, the people that make me want to better myself and the two greatest heartbreaks of my life so far( I wish to not have anymore but I know it's life being life). One of those heartbreaks was the death of my dog Lola. As I begin to write this my eyes are beginning to water and my heart aches. I lost her right after Thanksgiving, She was with me through it all, honestly the only ear I had at one point. She loved me and I her unconditionally. I got her as a birthday present from and ex-boyfriend back in 2008. She was so fluffy and cute, I've always wanted a dog but they are expensive. Plus we have always lived crammed and in a No pets apartments. When i took her home she was kinda feisty, she had to learn that she wasn't the boss. Even though I treated her as my child I knew she was a dog and she had rewards and discipline. She was with me and offered me comfort through my first big heart brake. I remember sitting on the floor crying and her licking my tears away. She didn't ask for anything it was like she knew that I was down and just needed to be loved. Her death is such a touchy subject around my own home and anywhere else. You see we moved and soon after the lady in charge of the apt complex let us know that it was a no dogs place. We asked my mother in law to take her in and she agreed. I saw her once a week, for her sake. I got it in my head that the less I saw her the better to not confuse her, I know regret not visiting her more often. Anyway she apparently got sick, I was told of her being sick the night before she passed. We had so many ups and downs with her, hearing of her not being well brought anxiety upon me, mainly because of our money troubles. When I was pregnant she broke her lag due to a faulty and very heavy door that fell on her. Those few months were horrible I cried so much because she was in pain, not to mention I was preggo and emotional. We went broke paying her vet bills. Thank god for family and them helping us out, specially my mom. So again hearing of her not being well I just began thinking of all the money we were gonna have to dish out to get her well again. We went to sleep with the words from my husband  that Lola was lethargic but she managed to get up for him and drink a little water and she should be feeling better soon. I should have known then and followed my instincts and take her in to the vet. You see I'm known for over reacting, I wanna asses every situation and fix it even if it isn't broken. My husband isn't like that. It wasn't any ones  fault that lola got sick. I have struggled with this though, I honestly still have a heavy heart when it comes to blaming someone. I knew she wouldn't be taken care of the way I could have taken care of her in my house. The morning after I was told she was sick I will always remember. I was laying down sleeping and i heard my hubs come in, His face scared me. I asked promptly what has happened, he looked at me and said lola hadn't made it. I remember retrieving to my blanket and not showing any emotion. I couldn't cry. I just lay there taking it all in. At this point Lucas had woken up and I began sobbing soon after. She was gone, without me seeing her or saying good bye. I was very angry and I think I still am. Yet I don't think I'm allowed too, It was just a dog. She was my dog, maybe i'm guilty of loving her to much. This was going to happen eventually! why wasn't i prepared.? She was too young!.. I blame me for most of it, even though others didn't handle it well. As soon as my husband told me of my dog's actions and the way she was behaving I should have at that moment drove myself to my M.i.l. and seen that she wasn't well and immeditaly taken her in. But I didn't and the reason was to not get looked at like the crazy dog lady, who over thinks everthing and worries to much. I will hold that over my head forever. If your wondering why a death of a pet has affected me so, then you've never loved an animal.