to remember

Spring always makes me reflect.

It make's me realize of all the beauty the winter hides and

 it makes me a little sad.

Two years ago today, I lost a tiny babe.

I had a miscarriage.

At the time we weren't married my dh & I.

We agreed to just have a baby.

We weren't prepared but knew we loved each other.

We knew that we would figure it out.

We started "not not trying to get pregnant" in Dec.

By February I was pregnant. 

I called my DH, and he was thrilled.

Naive us, we told the whole world.

We didn't know that heartache was to come.

Our families were so excited.

Our friends were so excited.

We were beyond excited.

Then It was over.

I was supposed to be 13 weeks, the babe passed at 8 weeks.

I had just celebrated my first Mother's day to be.

I wasn't showing, but I attributed that to it being my first pregnancy.

I woke up a lovely spring day.

I felt amazing, no morning sickness finally.

After all those sucky days it was awesome.

I saw a bit of pinkness at the bottom of my underwear.

then a little darker pink.

then it was red, I started to panic.

I called my dh, and he was worried.

We had sex the night before, could it be just that.?

Then I was a little blob. 

And I knew it was a miscarriage.

I didn't tell my dh i knew

I told him it had to be because of the sex, it was common.

Maybe I wanted to hold on to that and believe it.

In the emergency room, I kept on assuring him it was nothing.

He looked so worried.

Then we went in, after hours of an uncomfortable catheder and ultrasound.

It was confirmed, the baby had stopped growing inside me.

She said "I'm sorry" and I lost it.

No longer we're we going to be parents.

I t was so painful, both phisically and emotionally.

I was on the cold table, crying while still enduring the last of the u/s.

I couldn't look, I didn't look. 

All I saw was him, his eyes filled with tears and holding on to me.

I couldn't believe it, I was screaming.

They discharged me with instructions.

Everyone was so cold hearted, they probably see it all the time.

But I needed some empathy, some sympathy or a little bit of compassion.

I don't know how I made my way back to the car.

We got in and drove home, both in tears.

We finally got home, and I ran to Lola.

Clinging to her smile, and hugging her as she licked my tears away.

She knew.

I sat out on our little deck, watching the sun go down.

While tears streamed down my face.

He was sitting next to me, trying to say something, anything to make it hurt less.

It didn't work.

He put my needs in front of his as he has always done.

He allowed me to grieve.

We had to tell everyone.

Relive it time after time.

The pain from that miscarriage will stay with me forever.

I look at Lucas and see that he is here because another babe didn't make it

I'm thankful for him 

That he is here, healthy and happy.


Women of loss are changed forever.